One week ago today, the Professor divorced me. Between the divorce and work, it's been a tough week. I've been delirious with exhaustion and numb to everything. I have had moments of sudden sorrow. I have laughed, I have cried.
For some reason, my feelings are closer to the surface than they were before the divorce and in the first few days after. So are my memories.
I've been angry at the Professor for things said and done long ago, things I have long-since accepted will never be resolved. I've mourned shared moments I thought I had buried, lost bonds I thought I had released.
I am not surprised by any of this, although that doesn't make it less difficult. The loss is enormous and, while I don't mourn the loss of who he now, because I don't really know him now, I mourn the loss of what we shared, of what we once had, however long ago.
I believed in what we shared, whatever name it merits, and it was real to me then, in those moments, in memories that flicker through my mind. And, perhaps the hardest thing to accept, the greatest pain, is that it must not have been real to him in that same way, or he wouldn't have -- couldn't have -- left. Because how does one walk away from that?
None of this should imply that there weren't reasons for the Professor to be unhappy, or that I didn't screw a lot of things up. There were, and I did. Our life was not a fairy tale. At the end, it was quite the contrary. There was a lot of screaming, a lot of silence, a lot of hurt and anger. Tension filled this house, everything became a misunderstanding, a struggle. Things toppled, and I saw it happen around me, but I didn't know how to stop it. And, at the end, all he wanted was to escape, and I know I had a hand in that. I own that, and it rests heavy on my shoulders.
Sometimes that makes it easier to accept the loss. Sometimes, it makes it harder. But knowing it makes me real.
And at the moment, being real just sucks.
4 comments:
This is so tough and I am so sorry. It will pass but it will be long and hard in the process. Please feel free to call or email or chat if you feel like it. And I want you to remember that marriage and divorce takes two people - not one. One person cannot make a marriage work and one person cannot hurt it. It is NOT all your fault - and you should not think of it that way.
Nitu, You are so kind. I don't think it's my "fault." But I do have many, sometimes inconsistent, emotions about it, and I do recognize my own mistakes. Which is good, on some level, because I am less likely to make them again. It would be easy to blame the Professor for leaving, to hate him for that - and on some level I suppose I do blame him, and I am angry about it - but it would not be completely honest to suggest that he walked out on a perfectly perfect relationship. I wouldn't have left, and I don't think he made the right decision or that he has handled the everything in the best possible way since then, but I am aware of his unhappiness and the reasons he wanted out. I have to be real with myself about that, and I can do that and also feel that it was the wrong choice, that he walked away from something that, at least once, was incredibly special. I can be sad for my own mistakes, and be sad (and sometimes angry) for his mistakes, at the same time.
None of my posts are meant to be definitive statements about how things are, they are just my thoughts and feelings and observations, which, of course, change as I change and as my experiences change.
Thanks for your love!
xoxoxo
I am glad you said that. I was worried that you were dwelling too much on your imperfections and not as much on his. Everyone is imperfect and so is every marriage. I do not think there is a "perfect" relationship anywhere. But while it is good to analyze one's mistakes so as not to repeat it, I am also glad you analyze his. So that you (or someone else) do not make those mistakes either. I am always here if you want to chat.
I dwell on it all - the good in both of us, the bad in both of us. I think that's honest. Sometimes I dwell on some things more than others, but I am trying to be honest, with myself and with everyone who reads. Yes, there are many things I think he did wrong, many ways in which I have been hurt that will never be addressed. But also know that I did many things wrong, too. And there can't be a truing-up of who did more things right or wrong. That's not how life works, or isn't how it should word. We are all just human, and we all fail and succeed. And I certainly have moments when I see his failures, and only those, and it hurts me deeply. But I also have moments when I see how he succeeded and I failed, how I was wrong or weak or selfish. And all of that is just part of the complexity of humanity -- or perhaps it's just me being unwilling to define him as a flat and static person because to do that means something about me, too, for having married him -- but, either way, it's the way I choose to see things, and the way I think is right.
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