The Cost

I feel like I don't post as often as I should.  As I mentioned on a previous post, that is partly because I feel some pressure (internal, external, I don't know) to post things that are meaningful or profound.  Who wants to hear the mundane of my daily life?  I certainly don't, and I'm almost more certainly interested than anyone else.  

So what motivates me to write, when I do? A friend recently said of her own blog that she only writes when her heart is heavy, and that resonated with me.  That would explain why my posts are more serious, and often sadder, than I actually am on a day-to-day basis.  And it makes sense to me.  A heavy heart makes me reflect, and reflection gives me things to share.  

My heart is not too heavy tonight, and I have nothing profound to say, but I do have something on my mind.  I recently got a new MacBook Air, and the key pad is amazingly easy to type on, so I'm loving that at the moment, although I am still slightly sick over the price tag -- which could have come close to renting a house for my entire family in Hilton Head this summer -- and slightly sick at myself for purchasing something so expensive that I wanted and can use, and which will make travel with a laptop so much easier, but which I did not truly "need."  

My financial considerations have changed enormously since the Professor left -- before, when I was working, we regularly spent $400 a week on wine (yes, I am slightly horrified to admit that, and I have no idea where it all went; the cellar, our bellies?).  Now, however, other than my regular bills (which, admittedly, aren't small between the mortgage, the dog, parking downtown, student loans, and the list goes on), the occasional dinner with friends, and the wonderful weekends I've been able to share with family here in Chicago, I really spend very little.  In a way, getting to know my own budgetary needs has been getting to know myself for the first time as an adult.  

It turns out that I like to spend money on my house and doing things, and I love to spend money on those that I love, but I enjoy spending money on little else.  It turns out that I despise clothes shopping, even if I can buy a size two.  I hate trying things on, and I don't really care much for the clothes themselves.  Give me jeans and an Old Navy t-shirt, a hoodie if it's cold, and I am seriously set.  I don't need a fancy television, I like my $35 hair cuts and my hair stylist with a pink mohawk.  I want to buy my parents dinner, I want to give my nephews something that makes them smile, I want my sister to come and visit me.  For me, I have realized that money is only useful to the extent that it buys moments or things I can enjoy with other people.  And I am so, so grateful to be able to do that.  

I don't often splurge on myself, I don't waste money, and I'm not expensive to keep.  Nonetheless, here I sit, feeling guilty about typing on my new, adorably thin MacBook Air, which I kind of hate.  Rather than thinking about how cool it is, I just can't let go of how much it cost me.  

If only we coud feel the same way about relationships that cost us too much.