Some Things Are Better Left Unsaid

There are a lot of things I don't say -- on this blog or otherwise.  In the last nine months, I have learned the art of saying nothing.  Letting the moment pass.  I have learned that sometimes silence makes the point better than words.  Or sometimes there's not a point to be made, although accepting that takes patience and time.  I have learned that if I sit back, hold my breath and wait, the moment passes.  Things often work themselves out or become clearer -- or even irrelevant. Circumstances change, my emotions evolve.

Maybe I just come to terms with the way things are.  Deal with it.  Move on.  Or maybe I don't.  It's not too late to say what I wanted to say, only now I can say it thoughtfully, not emotionally.  I am learning, as my therapist would say, to listen to my wise mind instead of my emotional mind.  You might say I am growing up.

This lesson has been important for me, perhaps necessary and too long in coming.  It doesn't fundamentally change me.  It doesn't change my emotions, my hurts, my needs.  It doesn't make those things any less important or any less valid.  But it alters my perspective.  I have tended to say what I feel when I feel it, without really thinking it through. I have regretted many things I've said emotionally in my life. In the last nine months, I have not once regretted saying nothing.  To the contrary.

It's also been a tough lesson -- one that required suffering deep emotional pain in silence, and one that required (and still requires) looking back on certain things I've said and done with a critical and honest eye.  That means coming to terms with having acted like a child, with having been unnecessarily nasty and cruel to those I love most. (And, in that regard, I am not referring only to the Professor, but also to my dear parents, siblings and friends.)  It means acknowledging that I have often let a flare of intense emotion dictate my words and actions in shameful ways.

I will almost certainly always be emotional, sensitive and reactive. Those are aspects of my temperament that I probably cannot change.  And I don't know that I would change those things, anyway, because they are also what make me empathetic, open and loving -- and connect me to those I love, and those I don't even know, in a way that feels right, and real, and necessary.  But I can continue to practice patience with my emotions, to step back from them, to be aware that they will pass.

If nothing else, it's a good thing to come of this last difficult year. And, for that, I am grateful and blessed.