Nothing To Fear But Fear Itself

Tomorrow I'll finish my sixth full week at my new law firm. It's hard to believe it's only been six weeks. It seems like I've been there forever, and I mean that in a good way.

After only six weeks, it's impossible to say whether this is my forever-job, but it's the right job for me right now. I've been working long hours (by my standards, anyway), but the partners I've been lucky enough to work with are genuine and decent. I haven't been yelled at for binding documents with a clip instead of a staple. (Yes, that happened to me.) I haven't been told I committed malpractice three times in the last five minutes. (It happened to someone I know.) I haven't told someone to stop screaming at me, and walked out of their office and back to mine, only to be followed while they yelled the whole way. (Yes, that really happened. And, yes, they told me I was unprofessional. I begged to differ. To put it nicely.)

Instead, I've gotten so much positive feedback that I'm literally glowing. I'm radioactive. And I know it probably doesn't mean much in the long run because, let's face it, I just haven't been there long enough to screw anything up yet. And I will screw something up - many somethings. But for right now, in this moment, this job is precisely what I needed.

In the last six weeks, I've been slightly altered. Just a nudge here and there. And, somehow, that changes everything.

I feel valuable and competent and appreciated. I feel relieved and vindicated - because in the last six weeks, I have learned that I can take care of myself. I have learned that I will not only be okay, but better than that. I have what it takes, come hell or high water.

When I was considering this job offer, I emailed my mom and told her that if I turned it down, my only reason was fear. Almost right away, my sister emailed me. She said she was thinking of my job offers, and she wanted to tell me that I shouldn't turn this one down just because I was afraid. Assuming Mom had forwarded my email, I called her. It turned out that she hadn't seen my email to Mom. She just felt it was something she needed to say.

Perhaps that isn't a good reason to accept a job, but it was mine nonetheless. Call it God, call it kismet, call it coincidence. It was what I needed to hear, and I'm so glad I did.

If this job doesn't work out, there will be another job. And if there isn't another job, I can work for myself. 

I'm not afraid anymore.