No, the title of this post does not refer to the number of days since my last post. Nor does it refer to the number of days that have passed since the Professor asked for a divorce --although I feel like I've aged at least two years over the last six months and 28 days. Rather, the title of this post refers to the 684 days since my last day of work at my old law firm. Yes, I've had a 684 day "vacation," as certain of my proud family members call it.
In theory, a two year break from work certainly seems like it would be a welcome vacation. And it should have been. But, in reality, I've spent much of the last 684 days navigating the murky waters of depression, marital dissatisfaction, death and divorce. Fun times.
Tomorrow I'm returning to litigation, also known as hell on earth. Other than the occasional nightmare in which I'm being fired for missing a typo in a brief, I haven't thought about litigation, or the law, in almost two years. I don't remember how to bluebook a case citation or have a subpoena issued. I should be terrified. Oddly, I'm not.
Instead, I'm excited. I'm excited about childish details like having an office, a business card, and a reason to wear heels. A reason to get dressed before ten a.m. And actually wash my hair. I'm also excited about feeling useful, even if it is as someone's billable hour slave.
Perhaps I'm not terrified because I've adapted, I've forgotten what it's like to live the stress and anxiety of litigation on a 60 hour per week basis. I'm sure that's true to some extent. But I like to think (or hope) that it's mostly because the last 684 days have changed me, have changed my perspective about what's worth getting stressed over, what's scary enough to be afraid of, what can kill me and what can't.
I've been lucky to have these 684 days. I've been blessed to have the utter freedom of endless hours with no one to answer to, and morning coffee on the back porch with my dogs. But more importantly, I've been blessed to learn that court deadlines, screaming partners and missed typos are not even close to the worst things I can get through with grace and dignity. And that, I will do.
8 comments:
NIcely said, Stephanie. I love you!
Liz
I love and admire you Stephanie. dad
As you know Steph, you have my prayers and love! Mom
I believe that if anyone is prepared for this type of change emothinally, proffessionally, and personally, it's you. Put my name on your list of supporters. --Steven
I believe that if anyone is ready for this type of change imotionally, professionally, and personally, it's you. Put my name on your list of supporters. --Steven
And if worse comes to worse, it will be fodder for your second novel! In any case, welcome back to the world of us wage slaves!
Having been a non-working person for over a year now, I totally understand. But yes, I think you;ve forgotten the hells of private practice just a little bit. :) GOOD LUCK TODAY!!!
Stephanie, I understand how you feel. Sometimes we have to realize that when things don't go the way we think they should that's when the true blessing will come. The hard part is "Waiting"! I have been in the place you are at now and I know that things will turn around for you. Things always turn around. We can't get on the bus if we don't go to the bus stop. Good luck with your new job.
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